Never Give All the Heart

It’s been ages since I wrote a blog post. And what I’ve written below is nothing like any of the previous posts I have done. I wrote this, on my phone, while sitting on a bench overlooking the bay where I live, waiting for the sun to come up. I’d been up for near 36 hours straight and had more alcohol than I would usually have had in one night, actually more than in a month. I had intended to write an email and it became more of a journal entry. I’ve only edited misspelled and missing words, otherwise this is me – uncensored, at least in that hour or so that I sat writing this. I debated actually posting this, because honestly it seems sort of juvenile. Then I recognized that was me caring about what other people think of me. That I’d written this to help me work towards figuring out a confusing situation and that maybe it would be helpful to others who have had or could have the same experience to not feel alone in their thoughts. So given that disclaimer, chose to read or don’t. It is entirely up to you.    
 
Never Give All the Heart
 
Surrounding myself with friends and strangers, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and dancing with feigned abandon to the beat of the music’s throbbing pulse, followed by a (somewhat) solitary walk on the bluffs to catch a sunrise that doesn’t show makes for an introspective, and partially depressing, philosophical frame of mind.

I find it odd that I run across more men than women sitting quietly listening to the melody of surf and sea birds….

Since putting a certain situation and person out of my mind wasn’t working the way I had intended, I had brought along music to listen to, because by bringing it along I was attempting to bring the person the music reminds me of with me. Instead of putting in my ear buds and turning it on, I sat, closed my eyes, and listened to the sound of the waves. I gradually came to the realization, or perhaps I’d already known, that that person was with me regardless of the soundtrack and that he’d have enjoyed the music nature made all on its own. 

The problem with coming to this realization means that I now know there is no way to purge this man from my life. Whether we are still in contact or not, he is still on my mind and in my heart. He holds on to a piece of me that I will never get back. 
 
How do I remain friends with someone I am in love with, who loves me back yes, but not in the way I’d like? 

At my age (which I am NOT going to mention), one would think that I’d have learned how to better protect myself or developed some sort of method of coping and moving past the heartbreaking pain. Or that never knowing the actual physical touch of a person or seeing the way they smile and shake their head when you tell a lame joke would somehow negate some of the gut wrenching sense of loss when that relationship changes or ends. Unfortunately for me, I have not developed these skills. And being who I am has not given me the ability to make that distinction or to keep that distance.
 
To make this state of affairs even more confusing, I can’t talk all this through with the one person I would have. He is my best friend and it certainly makes this more difficult because he is the one I would go to in these philosophical moments, where I could open up and not feel the need to guard what was left of my tattered heart. I imagine our conversation unfolding in my head, and the hurt still feels too new, or like a wound that had started to mend and was ripped back open. And in coming from that place of emotional pain, I know a piece of me wants him to hurt the way I do. I know in my head that is not the way, but my bruised heart has other thoughts. So I keep quiet, and mull over my thoughts and feelings in solitude.
 
You may be wondering why I would choose this way of working this through. Why I would chose to put this out there for anyone and everyone to see. Even though I’ve said nothing, the people who know me know that something is not right with me. In a way, I am embarrassed to admit what has happened and how I am feeling. I have said as much and been told several times that I need to do what’s right for me. That I need to think less of how others would see this or how my decisions would affect anyone but myself. So here I am, throwing my thoughts into the cyber ether.
 
I thought that by writing this out it may relieve a little bit of the pressure I’ve been putting on myself. And for this moment it has. I know some people may view this as whining or maybe looking for sympathy – I will agree with the whining, to a point – but as for sympathy, not so much. Sympathize with me or not, that is not the point of this and I really don’t care for the sympathy anyways. I know I can’t be the only one out there that has experienced this. It’s easy to feel alone, especially in a world of anonymity, but besides the need for my own venting – I hope that if anyone reads this and have gone through a similar situation, that this lets them know they are not alone. That even as ridiculous it may seem to an outsider, these emotions are not unusual. And maybe part of this is trying to convince myself of the same.
 
In the big picture, I know this could be viewed as a little thing. There are far more tragic things in the world. But for the time being this is not so little. And until I am able to sort my way through this, and either move on or chose to remain, it will continue to be so.
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